Lifelines

BIN RAGE My boyfriend and I are always arguing over silly things, like whose turn is it to put the rubbish out. The arguments can get nasty and sometimes we end up not speaking for several days. When we are getting on things are great; how can we stop these silly arguments?

I wonder if your rows are less about who puts the rubbish out and more about who is in charge and how you divide up the chores. Silly arguments will only stop once you know what it is you are really arguing about and then deal with that problem. Staying silent after a row does not help, it just allows the problem to fester. To stop this cycle, you need to take time, when things are going well between you, to talk about the things that upset and annoy you in the relationship.

NO SEX

My partner Sheena and I have been together for four years. At first sex was great, but now we are more like best friends. We have a good relationship and I don't want it to end but I miss sex and that sense of physical closeness. How do I bring sex back into our relationship?

This is one of the oldest dilemmas facing people in long term loving relationships; how to maintain that lustful, sensual spark that was there in the beginning.

I wonder how Sheena feels about the changes in your sexual relationship? Have you talked about how much you miss the physical intimacy? Talking about what you miss and how much you would like things to be better may be a good start. Think about how and when you might talk to her and if that seems too difficult then couple counselling might be helpful.

COLD FEET

My partner wants us to have a civil partnership. We have been together for 25 years and have a good, committed relationship. We have a home together and a good sex life but something is stopping me from wanting to make it 'legal'. Does this mean I don't want to be with my partner?

Not wanting a civil partnership is not the same as saying you don't want to be with your partner. You say you have a good relationship, how would being 'legal' change it? Ask your partner why they want a civil partnership now; how would it change the relationship for you? A civil partnership is something two people enter into and you both need to want it.

Anne Chilton is Consultant in Professional Practice at Relationships Scotland. She is a qualified relationship counsellor, accredited psychosexual therapist, trainer and clinical supervisor. She has been in practice for 28 years.

iving with, and being in a relationship with, a partner of the same sex brings with it both delights and difficulties, just as opposite sex relationships do. Many of the difficulties confronted by same sex couples are just the same as opposite sex couples; arguments and rows, different sexual wants and desires; wanting different things out of life and disagreements about and with families. However, there are also areas of real difference; for example, it is only recently that same sex couples were able to have their relationships legally recognised; same sex couples may have experienced prejudice and discrimination in the past, or it might still be occurring; their families may not support them as a couple; they may live in areas where there are few or even no other same sex couples. Talking, listening and trying to understand how the difficulty affects yourself, your partner and your relationship is a good stating point.